It was a lavish New York wedding on a perfect summer’s eve, covered by the media with the fascination reserved for movie stars, moguls – and the offspring of a former President and the Secretary of State.  But the steady buzz surrounding last weekend’s union between Chelsea Clinton and her longtime beau, Marc Mezvinsky, has extended beyond hearts-and-flowers and Vera Wang dresses to a complex issue that impacts – and divides – many American families: interfaith marriage.

On Saturday the radiant bride (a Methodist) and handsome groom (a Conservative Jew) were united “beneath an immense chuppah made of woven willow branches, white roses and hydrangeas,” wrote The Washington Post. Presided over by a minister and a Reform rabbi, the interfaith ceremony incorporated a number of traditional Jewish elements: the groom wore a kippah and tallit (skullcap and prayer shawl) and broke a glass underfoot, the couple signed a decorative ketubah (Jewish marriage contract), and was regaled with the chanting of the shevah brachot (“seven blessings” for the newlyweds). The celebration that followed featured an exuberant hora, complete with Chelsea and Marc and both sets of parents hoisted high onto chairs above the dancing guests.

If this was culture shock to the church-going mother of the bride, she didn’t show it. When asked about Chelsea’s approaching marriage during a recent interview with NBC Nightly News, Hillary Rodham Clinton was a model of acceptance:

“I think it says a lot about not only the two young people involved and their strong love but also their deep faith, both of them. But it says a lot about the United States, it says a lot about this wonderful experiment known as America, where we recognize the right that every single person has to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And over the years so many of the barriers that prevented people from getting married, crossing lines of faith, or color or ethnicity, have just disappeared. Because what’s important is, are you making a responsible decision, have you thought it through, do you understand the consequences? And I think that in the world we’re living in today, we need more of that…”

A  USA Today article titled “Clinton-Mezvinsky wedding reflects mix of religions in USA” didn’t specifically deal with “crossing lines of… color or ethnicity” – nor will this post; but it did spotlight interfaith marriage as a growing trend, painting it a much less rosy hue when both partners are deeply committed to different religions:

“… life-cycle decisions will loom, from baptism (No? Yes? Whose church?) to burial (Can you rest in sacred ground of another faith?).

Every rite of passage, sacred ritual and major holy day will require negotiation: First Communion? Bar or bat mitzvah? Passover Seder, Easter vigil or Eid Al-Fitr feast to break Islam’s Ramadan fast?

Looking on: Parents and clergy who fear that distinctive beliefs, sacred rituals and centuries-old cultural traditions will be diluted or discarded.”

And in the “On Faith” section of last week’s Washington Post, a whopping 20 panelists, representing believers and nonbelievers of many  stripes, used the Clinton-Mezvinsky marriage as a jumping-off point for provocative discussion:

“Statistics show that 37 percent of Americans have a spouse of a different faith. Statistics also show that couples in interfaith marriages are ‘three times more likely to be divorced or separated than those who were in same-religion marriages.’  Is interfaith marriage good for American society? Is it good for religion? What is lost -and gained -when religious people intermarry?”

Nowhere is this is a topic of more heated debate than in the American-Jewish community, where the latest statistics (from the 2001 Jewish Population Survey, updated in 2004) revealed that intermarriage among younger Jews (those married after 1996) was at the 47% mark. While this high rate reflects, on the one hand, the acceptance of  Jews into this country’s mainstream, it’s become a call to action among  those who are deeply concerned about Jewish continuity – even, some allege, Jewish survival.

The thing is, those actions vary widely. While the more liberal denominations – Reform and to a lesser degree, Conservative – embrace interfaith families and pledge to provide them with meaningful Jewish experiences, not all Reform rabbis, and no Conservative rabbis, will consent to take part in a ceremony like the Clinton-Mezvinsky’s.  Among the Orthodox, there are those who will still “sit shiva” for a child who betrays Torah principles by marrying outside the faith, severing all ties like Tevye the Milkman vowed to do in “Fiddler on the Roof.” But even within Orthodoxy, some are beginning to grapple with the notion that Judaism cannot afford to turn its back on its children who marry out, or on non-Jewish spouses who (in some instances) commit to raising Jewish children and who may even opt to enter the fold someday, if the door is left open.

In a recent article in The Jewish Week, Conservative rabbi and award-winning blogger Joshua Hammerman wrote movingly of today’s intermarriage conundrum, as it plays out for the faithful living in a time and place of blessed inclusion and diversity.  He concluded:

“Would I sit shiva for my child if he married out? Would I officiate at his wedding?

No and no.

But would I celebrate?

In the words of [Tevye] the immortal dairyman: ‘I’ll tell you… I don’t know.’

But I know that, like Abraham, I will love anyone who comes into my home with an unconditional, unbounded love. I’ll do it because it is precisely that kind of love that will bring renewed vitality to the Jewish people and eternal relevance to the Jewish message.

And I’ll do it because, as I’m sure Tevye would agree, loving our neighbor is a tradition; for it reminds us who we are and what God expects us to do.”

~~~~~~~

What’s a “chuppah,” anyway?  The traditional Jewish marriage canopy stands as the couple’s first “home” together as husband and wife, a sacred space that is open and welcoming on all sides, as were the tents of Abraham and Sarah in Biblical times.  On August 1, 1982 – 28 years before Chelsea Clinton stood under her chuppah – I stood under mine. This poem expresses not only what the canopy symbolizes – but what marriage itself can mean, for hopeful partners of all faiths and no faith, and through the generations.

The Chuppah
by Marge Piercy

The chuppah stands on four poles.
The home has its four corners.
The chuppah stands on four poles.
The marriage stands on four legs.
Four points loose the winds
that blow on the walls of the house,
the south wind that brings the warm rain,
the east wind that brings the cold rain,
the north wind that brings the cold sun
and the snow, the long west wind
bringing the weather off the far plains.

Here we live open to the seasons.
Here the winds caress and cuff us
contrary and fierce as bears.
Here the winds are caught and snarling
in the pines, a cat in a net clawing
breaking twigs to fight loose.
Here the winds brush our faces
soft in the morning as feathers
that float down from a dove’s breast.

Here the moon sails up out of the ocean
dripping like a just washed apple.
Here the sun wakes us like a baby.
Therefore the chuppah has no sides.

It is not a box.
It is not a coffin.
It is not a dead end.
Therefore the chuppah has no walls.
We have made a home together
open to the weather of our time.
We are mills that turn in the winds of struggle
converting fierce energy into bread.

The canopy is the cloth of our table
where we share fruit and vegetables
of our labor, where our care for the earth
comes back and we take its body in ours.

The canopy is the cover of our bed
where our bodies open their portals wide,
where we eat and drink the blood
of our love, where the skin shines red
as a swallowed sunrise and we burn
in one furnace of joy molten as steel
and the dream is flesh and flower.

O my love O my love we dance
under the chuppah standing over us
like an animal on its four legs,
like a table on which we set our love
as a feast, like a tent
under which we work
not safe but no longer solitary
in the searing heat of our time.

“You’re mom’s favorite!” How many times did your children throw that taunt at each other?  How many times were they right that you secretly harbored a favorite?   Maybe it was the “easy” child who took naps and did well in school and survived the teenage years relatively unscathed while another child careened from one difficulty to another.

Now that the children are adults they may not shout those words anymore, but the perception—and impact– of perceived favoritism remains, according to a new study:

 ”Whether mom’s golden child or her black sheep, siblings who sense that their mother consistently favors or rejects one child over others are more likely to show depressive symptoms as middle-aged adults.”

The study surveyed 275 mothers and adult children and found that favoritism can impact the psychological well-being of adults, even those who have been living on their own for years.  Previous research indicated that children and teens can suffer behavior problems as a result of parental favoritism.

The study’s authors, Cornell University gerontologist Karl Pillemer and Purdue University sociologist Jill Suitor, have examined family issues related to siblings for more than two decades.

Mothering21 looked at some of the research that Prof. Suitor and her colleagues conducted and talked to her one recent morning at length about her work.  The favorite child has long been scrutinized, as Prof. Suitor wrote in the introduction to one of her studies:

“Literature and history abound with stories of parental favoritism, beginning with the Biblical story of Israel favoring his last-born son Joseph and continuing to Pat Conroy’s novel Beach Music. In the early 20th century, both Sigmund Freud, who was his mother’s favorite, and Alfred Adler, who was not, noted the potential consequences of such favoritism for children’s development.”

It wasn’t until the 1980s that the subject became to be the topic of  academic study. Since then the research has come to a firm conclusion.  Prof. Suitor told us:

“Favoritism seems to be a really bad thing. We know that from 20 years of research on children.  It’s bad whether you are the favorite child or perceive there’s a favorite child.  The favored child often does not get along with siblings.”

Before we look at the most recent study, we discussed with Prof. Suitor some of the previous research on favorite children.  What the studies have found:

Parents are more likely to favor:

• daughters
• children who share their values
• children who lead normal lives
• children who have provided parents with support
• children who are geographically close
• last-borns, followed by first-borns

Does favoring one child make you a “bad” mother?  Not so, says Prof.  Suitor pointing out that favoritism is most often determined not by mother but rather by the behavior of the children.  The research has shown that if all the adult children are leading similar lives then there tends to be less favoritism.  On the other hand, says Prof. Suitor, “If one kid is going to Yale Law School, and the other kid is facing a prison term then it’s obvious which one is preferred.” 

When adult children have problems brought on by their own misdeeds or behavior, then they do tend to be less favored. However mothers often say they are closest to children who “needed them more” because of  a mental or health issues not of their own doing.

 Before you start feeling guilty about favoring one child over the other, Prof. Suitor has some reassuring advice:

 ”Whether kids feel really loved is more important than the perception that mom favors a particular child.”

 Next week:  Favoritism from the adult children’s perspective

Good parents give their children roots and wings. Roots to know where home is, wings to fly away and exercise what’s been taught them. — Jonas Salk

 When my first child was born a friend gave me a framed print with an inscription based on the Salk quote: Give your children roots and wings. 

 Now three decades later, I realize that giving them roots was the easy part.  Letting go—giving them wings to fly away—seems considerably more difficult.  Many of us baby boomer parents find it hard to completely let go.  Indeed that was the inspiration for mothering 21.com: Parenting never ends but obviously you have to stop holding their hands at some point. Separation issues are nothing new; remember nursery school? Yet some of us still struggle with letting our adult children lead fully independent lives, without our constant advice, opinions and suggestions!

 Some insights were offered in a recent blog post with an academic title, “Parenting after the adolescent becomes adult.”  Dr. Carl Pickhardt, who wrote the post, has impressive credentials.  He is the author of 13  books on parenting and the father of four adult children.  Dr. Pickhardt’s advice on how parents can fully separate from their adult children is not sugar-coated: 

No matter how grown up, how much older they become, these adult offspring forever remain your children just as you forever remain their parent. And the relationship is always challenging because, like the rest of life, parenting demands constant change and accommodation.

 What makes this accommodation hard for parents are several adjustments they must make: to tolerance, to reversal, and to demotion.

Tolerance? Reversal? Demotion?  That felt like a slap in the face with the admonition: Snap out of it parent! What was Dr. Pickhardt thinking?  We phoned him in Austin, Texas where he has a private practice that includes adult children and their parents, and chatted for an hour.  He was empathetic and reassuring.  His message: Parents need to let their adult children assert their independence and to love and accept them as individuals, not as mini-me!

Letting go doesn’t mean that our adult children no longer need us. Parents need to remember their “primal role,” Dr. Pickhardt said.   Just as a little child wants to share every accomplishment, most adult children crave parental attention and approval.  As he wrote in his blog post:

So when parents continue their roles as emotional supporter, as rapt audience, and as tireless cheerleader, what they have to offer their adult children never goes out of style, never loses lasting value.

That makes the separation sound  less depressing.  Still, the words—tolerance, reversal, demotion—needed some explanation and Dr. Pickhardt kindly obliged with so many excellent insights that the post will be in two parts: this week and next.

Why tolerance, reversal and demotion?  Sounds like I just got downsized from my parenting job.

The hardest art of parenting is letting, especially when you worked so hard and invested so much.  Those adjustments of tolerance, reversal and demotion are the different ways parents have to let go to be able to embrace their adult child and accept their independence. 

Let’s start with tolerance.  You make a frightening analogy:  Just as we baby boomers must learn to be tolerant of our own aging parents, our adult children must become tolerant of us.  Are we really that difficult?

 Of course we never think that we can be difficult.  If something is the matter, we believe that we’re okay and the other person is not.  The adult child needs to accept the idea that “I am not going to change my parent and my parent is not going to change me.”  The parent needs to accept that too. For example, a parent may need to accept  that “My adult child has always argued with me, will continue to argue and will probably never not argue.”

 Accepting your child’s argumentative personality is one thing, but what about other choices: work, lifestyle, partner, religious differences, goals in life?

Parents need to let adult children makes their own decisions and accept those decisions. Tolerance means acceptance and the opposite of acceptance is rejection, and that does relationship between parent and adult child no favors. The goal is to learn to love the differences and to see you adult child as a whole person.  As the poet Rainer Maria Rilke put it:  “to see the other whole against the sky.”

To be continued next week…

The news that Al and Tipper Gore are divorcing set off  media madness with headlines from “The Rise of the Silver Divorce”  to “Could It Happen to Us?”  Speculation was rampant as to the cause of the split: An affair? Boredom? The internet?

Articles abounded about the possible triggers for the dissolution of a decades-long marriage, and a number of fingers pointed at adult children as a source of friction. 

In a New York Times op-ed, “The 40-Year Itch,” author Deirdre Bair noted in her book, “Calling It Quits: Late-Life Divorce and Starting Over” that:

Women had grown tired of taking care of house, husband and grown children; men were tired of working to support wives who they felt did not appreciate them and children who did not respect them. Women and men alike wanted time to find out who they were.

 And, in “ ’Til 40 years do us part,”   the Wall Street Journal  interviewed Los Angeles psychiatrist Mark Goulston who noted that he:

 “…sees another issue behind later-in-life breakups: tensions related to adult children, who are often closer to their parents today, and needier.

 ”There’s a saying, ‘You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child,’” Dr. Goulston says. “One spouse may still be overly involved with the adult children, worrying about their happiness, and the other may be saying, ‘I’ve done my parenting. I want to have a chance to have my own life.

 Mothering21 sought some insights into recognizing and preventing tensions caused by adult children. We interviewed stress management expert Debbie Mandel who knows the territory well. Ms. Mandel is the author of several books including “Addicted to Stress: A Woman’s 7 Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life.” Her other impressive credentials: Married 39 years and the mother of three children, ages 35, 30, and 21, and grandmother of three tots.  

She leads stress-reduction workshops around the country where people share the cause of agita in their lives. The ways adult children can stress a long-term marriage include, says Ms. Mandel,

• Moving back home
• Needing money supplements
• Having emotional issues and needing guidance

We asked her about causes and remedies:

Adult children are “boomeranging” home in record numbers after college or even later due to a job loss or other issues.  How does that cause friction in a marriage?

Most parents initially fear dealing with the empty nest but they get used to it, enjoy it, and establish new routines. Problems start then when the children come home: messiness, coming in late at night, more cooking and laundry, even your sex life.  You lose the spontaneity.  You begin to worry again.  I don’t care if they are 30; they’re in your home and you feel a sense of accountability.

You call it the “return of the to-do list”?

The additional duties and worries become an endless to-do list.  When you had young children you juggled, then you got a break of a few years when they went off to college. Now they’re back again. After all these years you’re still juggling children and their issues.

We all know that women feel responsible for everyone’s happiness—children, husband–and that comes at a personal cost. You’re not living in the present, you’re living in the future and worrying about what you have to do next on your list.

That pressure sets off stress and then the stress impacts your marriage?

Women go into a worry loop; we’re hardwired that way.  From carrying this endless list you become stressed and eventually become depleted.  When you are depleted you become irritable and when you’re irritable anything can set you off, it doesn’t take much.

Then your husband and anyone else in range hears about it!  What happens when a couple disagrees on how to handle the issues that arise with an adult child?

There are lots of problems because adult children seem less mature these days, and that can cause conflict between husband and wife. Sometimes one parent wants to pay for the adult child to go to therapist and the other parent is of the approach “let him sink or swim.” Sometimes the child mirrors weaknesses of the parents. It’s also hard because as a parent you are dealing with an adult child who is dependent but no longer obedient!

Money can be another source of friction when one parent wants to use it to help adult children and the other doesn’t?

Money carries an emotional value: How you want to spend it?  How does your husband want to spend it?  How do your children want you to spend it? Children can be very manipulative when it comes to money. A couple has to negotiate what they feel is appropriate to spend on adult children.  

That’s often a challenge.

Yes, you have to seek each other’s core values.  Ask the question when dealing with an issue: “Why do you feel that way?” The answer can help you reach an equitable compromise.  Given that often there is no unanimity on many issues, your goal is to attain equanimity.

To reduce stress you suggest that we helicopter moms stop hovering over our children and start circling ourselves instead.

Yes, you need to change your perception that you are responsible for the   happiness of your entire family and shift some of that focus to yourself. It’s hard to do. One way is to shed just one thing everyday from the to-do list.

Another is to literally change your perspective. Change where you sit at the kitchen table.  I threw my husband out of his recliner. I had a wonderful new vista. Another suggestion is what I call creative compensation: Figure out what you love to do and where it intersects with what you are good at, and do it.  I garden.

So there’s a good tip: try gardening, painting, cooking, spin class  whatever  keeps you happy, and perhaps your marriage too.

Yes,  those things help you treat yourself kindly instead of being a stern inner critic.

Staffer to supervisor who shares the same alma mater:  What year did you graduate?

Supervisor: 1975

Staffer: Oh, I wasn’t even born yet!

There’s more than just a gaping age difference in the office. A culture clash has resulted from four generations working together. As a recent Forbes article noted:

 Take the veterans, (a.k.a. traditionalists) who value hard work and sacrifice…

Enter the baby boomers, a generation of workaholics who value personal fulfillment and view work as an exciting adventure…

Next, Gen X workers want structure and direction. They believe work is a difficult challenge, and they crave immediate feedback….

Finally, Gen Y individuals (the children of baby boomers) are not only tech-savvy, but they are also experts at multitasking. They believe strongly that their work must be fulfilling.

In this generational mix, often the most difficult task for Baby Boomer moms is dealing with staffers who are the same age as our adult children. We want to be their boss, yet we get involved with their personal problems.  We want to make them feel appreciated so we bring cupcakes (correct that, now it’s humus and carrots) for the birthday celebrations.  We even learn to text  rather than leave a voice mail.

But the result can be a mixed message.  Are you their manager or their mother?  How do they regard you?  Not only your management style but your personal style too. It’s how you dress, how hip you are about technology, what’s on your iPod.   Do they regard you as a hopeless dinosaur or as a hip professional?   

You have your own adult children.  Do you really want to surrogate mother and give advice to the lovelorn or  tips on how to get to work on time or save money to move out?  Do you want to be regarded as the perennial office-party planner or money collector for gifts? On the other hand,  you learned to text but do you really want to friend them on Facebook?  Would you rather collapse at home on a Friday night with a decent red wine than join them for a micro brew at the local dive?

 The generational culture clash has been studied by academics, authors,  consultants, and  others but few look at the specific question of how NOT to be a mother a work. Mothering21.com asked two experts, both mothers of adult children,  for some advice.

Cheryl Cran is a management consultant  and author of several books including  “101 Ways to Make Generations X, Y & Zoomers Happy at Work.” Based in Vancouver, she has three children 22, 28 and 30. We chatted on the phone with her:

What’s a zoomer?

A boomer who refuses to age!

Okay lot of us here!  What’s your advice for working with staffers the same age—and sometimes with the same bad habits—as our children?

 Three key points to keep in mind: self awareness, openly communicate, and coach to their higher potential.  By self awareness I mean recognizing the feeling that you want to mother them and that you are like treating them like your own children.

Obviously the best way to manage effectively is not to act like a mother. So how do you handle that, either when you slip into mothering mode or when  they treat you like their mom?

That’s the second point: openly communicating when it becomes necessary. And you’ll know because you’ll feel resentful that something’s wrong. You feel  like a  glorified  babysitter such as when a Gen Y worker starts coming in late routinely and you start to feel like it’s no different than trying to kick your own kid out of bed. 

So other than telling them to buy an alarm clock or two, what  do you do?

 Sit down and tell them: I am not here to be your parent. I am your work supervisor or work colleague. I want you to have  best possible experience at this job but you need to act responsibly.  Then you need to communicate the expectations and the consequences for repeated lateness.

Your third point is coaching. I thought we were done coaching when they outgrew soccer.

Recall your coaching  technique from sports: Wasn’t it to recognize and groom the  higher potential of individual.  Tell a young staffer: I know your goal is to make partner in five years. Here’s the consistent behavior we expect from you. That puts the onus on them rather than the nagging on you.

When we caught up with Pamela Redmond Satran  she was about to head out to Manhattan to apartment hunt with 27-year-old  daughter who had just landed a new job. Also the mother of two sons, 20 and 17, she has written 17 books, including five novels. Her book  and website “How Not to Act Old” is loaded with funny and on-target advice.

 In your book you write: “You don’t need to be mommy or daddy to the entire office, showing up with coffee, remembering everyone’s birthdays, making sure everyone signs the card.”

 The reality is playing the mom role in the office makes you look old, and that’s not good. 

 What does not acting “old” have to do with performing at work? 

To compete Baby Boomers have to stay vital in the work force, and staying vital equals not acting old.

Suppose young workers turn to you for advice with personal issues?

In some ways not doing these things seems counter to your strengths. A strength you might bring to work is your experience and wisdom on a personal level  It’s natural that a younger co-worker might ask you how to deal with  parents or how to move out of the house or a boy friend issue.

So what’s the problem with offering some been-there, done-that advice?

You can easily tip from a surrogate into a more mom or dad role.  And we all know what happens then. They start to feel rebellious, like would if you were their mom. At the same time if totally recuse yourself that could be perceived as acting old.  It’s a delicate line.  Try to gently steer them to talk a friend or their real parent!

So we might master how not to act like a parent but how do we not look like a parent?

Obviously don’t won’t wear a ruffled mini skirt and leggings.  Forget the jeans too. The whole parsing of the jeans is a problem. It’s exceeding hard  to get the right brand and wash. Michelle Obama made J.  Crew cool and while you might not find your size in the store where they stop at size 4 you will find it online.

Why do you feel that glasses are as important as clothes?

 The wrong frames can really age you too.  I called for help from my daughter who helped me pick out new frames when I visited her in Paris.

Any other advice?

Whatever the issue, ask yourself if you were 35 or 40 how would you act? Use that as a reference point. Also you shouldn’t treat a younger co-worker in a way you wouldn’t treat  an older co-worker or someone your own age.

Parents get angry at adult children; adult children get angry at parents.  Sometimes parents and children don’t talk for days or weeks or even months.  Usually the ice breaks and the two sides reconcile.  But what happens when the anger festers into a full-fledged estrangement and the adult children completely cut off communication with their parents? That was the focus of  “When the Ties that Bind Unravel,”  a recent New York Times “Well” column by Tara Parker-Pope.  The traditional focus–in the therapist’s office, novels, films, blogs and online forums—has been on adult children complaining about the perceived misdeeds of parents. 

Now the spotlight has shifted somewhat to the angst of parents who have lost contact with their adult children.  Sometimes parents know what damage they have allegedly done, having been told quite explicitly by their children.  Other times parents are clueless, left with vague or no explanations. The result, Ms Parker-Pope writes:

Some parents seek grief counseling, while others fall into depression and even contemplate suicide.

Joshua Coleman, a San Francisco psychologist who is an expert on parental estrangement, says it appears to be growing more and more common, even in families who haven’t experienced obvious cruelty or traumas like abuse and addiction. Instead, parents often report that a once-close relationship has deteriorated after a conflict over money, a boyfriend or built-up resentments about a parent’s divorce or remarriage.

We all know families—maybe even our own–where estrangement has occurred so the topic was familiar.  What is surprising are the more than 1,100 comments the piece elicited, ranging from “sometimes the kids are evil” to parents blamed for mental and physical abuse. The rage is almost palatable, especially in comments from adult children, many self-assured in their decision to banish parents from their lives.

There’s a lot of anger and blame to go around, and there are no easy answers.  However, several posts struck a chord as possible approaches to reconciliation. One adult child wrote:

And I agree with the unspoken implication here, which is that our culture unfairly weighs the child’s injuries over the parents’ efforts. There are some truly damaging parents out there. But for those of us whose parents don’t fall in that category . . . Maybe it’s time we all sat down and [had] a good think about the things our parents did right.

And then called them and told them about it.

Dr. Coleman recommends that parents take the high road and never give up, continuing to call, email and to send cards and birthday and holiday presents even if they are refused. A post from one mother showed the wisdom of that approach.  The mother continued to try to communicate with a daughter who had stopped all contact from age 17 to two years post college, the fallout from a divorce and other unspecified issues. Then fate intervened, as the mother writes:

 One day on an afternoon walk around the running track at the Central Park Reservoir the wildest, weirdest thing ever happened… we ran into each other. What are the odds? Happy is too pale a word to describe the relief, ecstatic joy and endearing words we exchanged. I have an inkling how Lazarus felt.
We’re now in regular contact. Lots of words have passed. Explanations. Recriminations. Reasons. Stories. A little miracle. ..

 The mother’s advice:

 Parents: Do what you can to understand the situation and make things right. Let respect guide your path. Let go of whatever anger you may feel. [Difficult, but not impossible.] Never EVER give up.
Children: Cut your padres some slack. They won’t be around forever.

 Wise words: everyone has to give in, sometimes a little, often a lot but usually the parents more so than the kids.

As college commencements are celebrated across the country this month, parents get ready for the big move back home by these new graduates. The question that worries many Baby Boomer parents is whether the economic storm will pass without causing long-term damage. Are adult children destined to live with less economic and career promise than we, their parents,  faced?  If the first ten years of the new century were, as dubbed by Time magazine, the “Decade from Hell,” then what will we call the next ten years?

Apparently some parents kept those rose-colored glasses from their own graduations during the flower power era.  A new survey of Baby Boomers found that the coming decade is viewed–with respect to our adult children–as either the “Decade of Hope” or the “Decade of Great Change.”  And long term, almost 75 percent of  parents believe that their young adult children will equal or surpass their own economic success.

Those findings were reported in the Charles Schwab’s 2010 Families & Money Survey which polled adults who have at least one child between the ages of 23-28.

The parents were optimistic despite that 41 percent provide some financial support to their young adult children, and expect to do so until their children are 30 or older.  The reasons:

Parents cite college debt (32 percent) and unemployment (31 percent) as top reasons their children are relying on them more. However, they also believe that some contributing financial pressures fall squarely within the kids’ control. Parents also cite overspending (25 percent) and consumer debt (19 percent) as reasons for their kids’ delayed independence.

Indeed almost half the parents surveyed believe their adult children need to learn to stick to a budget and live within their means. Who is to blame for the fact that many don’t? The parents who funded the luxe lifestyle for the last two decades or the adult children who now feel they can’t live without those goodies?

To see this entitlement in action, check out the TV reality show “Say Yes to the Dress” which is filmed at that shrine to wedding dresses,  Kleinfeld’s.  In one recent episode a Gen Y bride stalked out of the store because her mother would not budge beyond her $3,000 price limit for the $9,000 designer dress the young woman simply had to have. (Kudos to the future mother-in-law too who watched grimly and refused to chip in.)  The show, as addictive as chocolate, is a fascinating sociological study of mothers and daughters in action.  The salespeople know they have two customers: the bride looking for the “perfect” dress and her mother who is supposed to pay the bill. The real action starts when the mother says no to the $$$ dress. How can parents lament that the adult children won’t stick to a budget and live within their means when they are willing to spend $3,000 for a dress that’s worn once?

 No new grad will be spending $3,000 on a dress, according to a caustic commentary by author (and Gen Y parent) Joe Queenan.  In “A Lament for the Class of 2010,”  Queenan takes the opposite view from the parents in the Schwab survey.  Noting that 17 percent of people aged 20 to 24 are unemployed, Queenan writes of new graduates in The Wall Street Journal:

They will enter a world where they will compete tooth and nail for jobs as waitresses, pizza delivery men, file clerks, bouncers, trainee busboys, assistant baristas, interns at bodegas.

 He also laments that our coddled adult children are ill-prepared emotionally to face the brave new world of work:

 In the workplace, you don’t get to pick your company. In the workplace, you do not get a trophy just for showing up. In the workplace, the boss gets to scream at you as a perk. Probably your first day on the job. Your boss, who doesn’t have an iPad, isn’t on Facebook, and doesn’t know how to text. Your boss, who doesn’t particularly care for Lady Gaga. Your boss, who probably has a night-school degree.

 While there might be certain amount of hyperbole here, Queenan is not far off the mark.  A twentysomething acquaintance recently called to complain about her boss and wondered if it was too soon to quit her job. “When did you start the job?” I asked.  Less then two months was the answer.  “Hang in there for a while longer, maybe even a year or two,” I advised. “Most people don’t like their first boss; it’s normal.”  This young woman did not have a pampered lifestyle; she was simply reflecting the attitude of her generation.

So faced with Gen Y and their sometimes skewed attitudes toward work and money, what is a reasoned attitude toward their future: doom and gloom or eternal optimism?  Author Denis Waitley might have the answer in his oft-quoted maxim:  ”Expect the best, plan for the worst, and prepare to be surprised.”

This week we start a new column called The Answer Mom by Helen Oxenberg, MSW.

To begin with there’s a problem. The phrase “adult child” is up for grabs. The parent grabs “child.”  The child grabs “adult.”

 The tug of war begins.

So, the  children have left home and you have expectations that you’ll still have great communication with them – like you used to (ha!). And then something goes wrong. What you hope will be a two way street often turns out to be a one way alley with pot holes.

 It’s all about that “C” word – communication. Is it different today from your yesterday? Yes. For many there’s a long time between leaving home and their independence day. There’s a downward mobility for many who grew up in affluent homes and expected things to get better and better for their generation. In your generation the dole ended with graduation but today you often have to help your grown kids. What does that mean? Does it mean you then have the right to tell them what to do?

Or, they’re on their own, finally. Instead of shouting “Hooray” you often cling to your notion that they should still listen to you because, after all, with all your experience you know more and you’re right! Well, is being right the right excuse?

Okay they’re married. Does that finally qualify them as adults? The reality hurts. Things that used to be your business aren’t anymore and what do you feel? – left out? – unneeded? You used to be in charge of your child’s life. Are you supposed to be just an onlooker now?

Hard? Yes. There is a tremendous need on parents’ part to still do something. What? What? Aha! The only way you can exert power is to give advice! But they hear your advice and they won’t take it. Why? Does that mean you should give up?

 So, can you get along with those grown children? How? This  column will explore that “how.”

Dear Answer: My adult son called me recently and told me how angry he felt because a mutual acquaintance didn’t thank him for a small favor he did. I told my son he was wrong to feel that way and now he’s angry at me. My husband says I treated him like a child. If he didn’t want my opinion, why did he tell me about it    –Right or Wrong?

Dear Wrong: He didn’t want your opinion (or your criticism), he wanted your understanding and empathy. You told him he was “wrong to feel that way,” but feelings are neither right nor wrong–they have a life of their own. It’s how you act on them that makes the difference. What people in general, and adult children in particular, want most is for someone to tune in to their feelings, not to lecture them. Now, having lectured you, I understand how frustrated you must feel. Communicating with adult children isn’t easy. Next time identify with his feelings first, then, if he wants, you can discuss the issues.

Dear Answer: My mother-in-law is considered the great cook in the family and I’m completely intimidated (my mother couldn’t care less about cooking). I’m in my early 20s and I’m  married less than six months and now I’m being pressured to invite my husband’s family to dinner. My mother-in-la makes such a fuss over her meals that I’m afraid to cook anything. Do you think it would be wrong to take them out to dinner? My husband doesn’t care so he’s no help. Also when I speak to his mother she keeps asking how he’s doing. I think she means since he’s not eating her food. –Judy

Dear Judy: Set the stage before you set the table. Confess to your mother-in-law that you’re a lousy cook, you come from a long line of lousy cooks, she’s the only really good cook you’ve ever known and you need her help. Ask if she will teach you some of her great dishes and techniques not only for your sake but for the sake of her son’s survival. See if she’ll help you plan and prepare this meal this time so that next time you can try it yourself. She’ll be flattered. She’ll feel needed. You can stop feeling flustered and your husband will be fed in the style to which he’s accustomed – at least for that day.

Problems? Ask THE ANSWER MOM. Email Helen Oxenberg at Helen@mothering21.com

 You’re only as happy as your least happy child.

What happens when you—the parent—are the cause of that unhappiness, at least in the mind of your adult child?

After class last week I listened as two young women, both in their mid-20s, complained about their mothers.  One recounted how she was trying to be “nice and respectful” by calling mother before she got a tattoo: just a simple scroll design on her foot; nothing crazy. But the call backfired; her mother went crazy.   “My mother kept saying ‘You came out of my body beautiful and now you want to mutilate yourself.  Get one when I am dead if you must.’ The she started crying.” The young woman decided not to get the tattoo; it wasn’t worth all the drama.

The other young woman, shaking her head, added her own overbearing-mother vignette. “My mother is very religious.  I was dating a guy of a different religion.  My mother’s response: ‘Get rid of him. It’s not acceptable.’”  The couple recently broke up because of religious differences.

What happens when parents refuse to step back and let adult children make their own decisions?  We prevent them from reaching “emotional” adulthood, the point at which they make–and live with–their own choices, good and bad. Both parent and child often share in the blame.  The parents refuse to let go emotionally and the child craves approval, afraid to make a decision that might displease.  How can we break this cycle?

Mothering21 interviewed Linda Lewis Griffith, a marriage and family therapist with a practice with many young adults in San Luis Obispo, Ca. 

Q: What is emotional adulthood?

The ability to be an adult and make your own decisions, not relying on mom and dad for support.  Just as young adults need to break away and be financially independent they need to learn to become emotionally independent.

Q. What are the signs that your child has not reached emotional adulthood?

Petulant, teenage-like behavior, arguing, saying “don’t tell me what to do” and general ongoing tension with parents.

Q. How can parents offer advice without sending the message that the child must follow it?

It’s all in the way parents present the advice. Perhaps say “I’d like to share my observation or concern with you” instead of saying “This is what I think you should do.”

Q. Sometimes parents find it hard not to step in and take charge, in effect, rescuing  a child from a bad decision.

If your children are grown and out of the house, respect them as adults and stop being an overbearing parent.  If you have a serious concern gently say what’s on your mind and then step back. Watch from the sidelines as adult children take their own turns at bat. Think of yourself too: You don’t need the stress of their everyday problems and dramas so stay out of them.

Q. Can you offer some tips to help children—and their parents—grow emotionally?

• Respect and honor your children and trust them to make good decisions.  They won’t always but let them learn from their mistakes.
• Remind them that you love and support them.
• Steer away from contentious topics and honor the decision of your child not to discuss those hot-button topics. Exert some self control.
• Focus on their strengths. As parents we tend to harp on problem areas. Talk about what they do well,  not what they need to do better.
• Find fun activities. Go to a spa with your daughter or a sports event with your son (or vice versa). You’ll strengthen the relationship and if you’re fun to be with, they’ll want to be with you more often.

My son Brendan graduated from a Jesuit university in 2009, ready to take on the world.  He’d planned to come back to New York, get a job in advertising, and eventually go back to graduate school. But with a bachelor’s degree in English literature, a minor in advertising, and a raging recession that has made the lot of the Class of 2009 particularly gruesome,  it quickly became clear that wasn’t going to happen. The prospects were slim for jobs in whatever field he chose. So while his friends got jobs as babysitters and bartenders, he decided (purely as a temporary measure) to work in his dad’s thriving private investigation firm.  Since it didn’t offer enough income for him to move out of the house, we gladly welcomed Brendan back to his old room, and promised him three squares a day. And a grand experiment began.

Right from the beginning I was skeptical. Coming home after being away and living independently for four years is difficult at best. Living with your boss? Well, that seemed just about impossible.  There’s something about discussing subpoenas over pork chops at dinner that didn’t seem right.  And what if he made a mistake at work? Would I be hearing about it at home?  It seemed unfair to mix family work with home life. Yet I knew that they don’t call it a “family business” for no reason. Millions have survived working for their moms and dads. And besides, it wasn’t up to me.

Far from merely surviving, Brendan has thrived.  The job has given Brendan and my husband, Jim, a chance at a relationship they never had. It’s made Jim proud, and Brendan even prouder when he does well. And I’ve gotten to watch as he’s matured from college student to graduate to full-on adult professional.

 My only input has been to make sure my husband treats his newest employee like all his other workers. That is, make sure he’s working hard, hold him accountable for his work, and give him the same opportunities – but not better opportunities – than everyone else at the firm. And occasionally, I urge my husband to give Brendan at raise, and I urge Brendan to ask for one.  He’s saving for rent, after all

Rosemary Beirne is a teacher and an editor on Long Island.