After an extended winter break, Mothering 21 is back with a new publishing schedule.  On Mondays, as previously, we’ll post an article, interview, commentary or guest column.

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We all treasure the opportunity to spend extended time with our adult children, and that often means cramming an outing into their busy schedules or providing a feathered nest into which they can occasionally escape.

And sometimes, although it will cost you, the bonding makes it worth the expense.

Last month I wanted to plan something special with my college-age daughter for her final winter break before she graduates in May. I suggested a relaxing weekend at a Florida beach; she one-upped me with a four-day trip to Universal’s Harry Potter World, as she is a big fan of the books.

To be honest, a crowded Orlando theme park is not my vision of fun in the sun which usually involves a chaise lounge, a magazine and a Mai Tai. Most of my friends shook their heads. “You haven’t read a single ‘Harry Potter,’” one of them said. “And you hate roller coasters!”

But my daughter kept forwarding me links to the website. “Hopefully I’ll have a job next January and not be able to take off,” she said earnestly. “The next time I may have a chance to go is when I’ll be taking my own kids.”

What the heck. I signed on, (luckily snaring off-season rates) because, to me, isn’t that part of what parenting adult children is all about: meeting them on their terms; giving up control, letting them make decisions? Not easy for many of us after all those years firmly at the helm of Mission Control. Why not seize an opportunity to become a fellow traveler–even one who ends up footing the entire bill?

First it was time for some role reversal, as my daughter became the teacher and I her (clueless) student in a crash course in “Harry Potter 101.” There was no way I was going plow through all those hefty books before our pilgrimage, so four nights in a row, she insisted we watched the DVDs. As we sat together on the family-room couch, she provided a running commentary on the key plot-twists, occasionally yelling at me to stay awake.

After we got to the park, her expert tutorials made it possible to delight in every amazing detail–from the screaming plants in the Hogsmeade’s shop window to Hagrid’s Hut. Together we bonded over the fantasy of Ollivanders’ Wand Shop and recovered from the scary, motion-sickness-inducing “Forbidden Journey” ride in the Hogwarts castle. After that, she graciously agreed to pass on the adult roller-coaster and asked only that we go on the kiddie one. (“You can open your eyes and stop screaming,” she reassured me when the ride ended.)

Because we stayed at an on-site hotel that gave us early entrance and skip-the-line passes, we were always done Potter-ing by 1 p.m., just as the crowds began to swell. That’s when we headed poolside to relax, read and sip tropical rum cocktails, decompressing before we both launched into another busy spring semester.

In the wave of a wizard’s wand it was over, and we went from Potter World to real world: the bone-chilling cold of Boston, where we moved her back into a dorm one last time. Surprisingly I didn’t tear up as I’d feared (and had, while writing the last tuition check).  Maybe it was the afterglow of bonding over Butterbeer (not beer at all, more like cream soda). Maybe it was realizing, once again, that when children grow up, they don’t necessarily have to grow away. We can keep improvising new ways to experience the crazy, unscripted roller coaster of life together, every magical chance we get.

Adult Child Deduction?

Tax time is upon us and as you go to check that “dependent” box, you may feel tempted to include the boomerang young adult who you’ve been supporting over the past year.  The amount is considerable as each dependent reduces your taxable income by $3,700. Is that allowable? Like with many tax questions, the answers is “It depends.”

In a USA Today article about claiming adult children as dependents, columnist Sandra Block outlines some of the variables: relationship, age, residence, support level.  She gives an example of when a deduction is allowable, according to a tax professional.

Suppose your daughter graduated from college in May, found a job in September and earned $20,000. As long as the amount you spent on her support exceeded $20,000, you can claim her as a dependent…However, if you claim your child as a dependent, she can’t claim a personal exemption on her own tax return.

However, to stay out of jail, best to check with your own tax preparer!

Thank Gen Y for a New World of Food

My children went to a “participatory” nursery school which basically meant that parents were unpaid classroom helpers. It really wasn’t that burdensome and the day mom came to help out, your child got to bring in a special snack.  However, sometime working around all the food allergies took creativity.  Those food allergies, which didn’t seem to get much attention before our generation of children, have lead to a vast change in the way we eat.  Gen Y is credited with overhauling the grocery store, according to an article at Policymic.com.

Where once there were just apples and oranges, beef and chicken, foods are now distinguished as being locally produced/organic/kosher/halal/gluten-free/fair trade and my favorite “exotic foods,” to cater to an ever diversifying market. It reflects a generation who considers food purchase and consumption as a vote to revolutionize a system, creating niches which seemingly have not existed before.

So we can thank our kid’s penchant for healthy/ethnic/allergy-free foods for all the Greek yogurt and other foods we now consume!

Generation Touch?

Speaking of changes, a 30-something friend recently lamented how fast technology keeps changing with seemingly dozens of new apps everyday. If she feels like it’s hard to keep, I told her, think about my generation of baby boomers. For us, the biggest technological invention of our teens was electric rollers, no curlers to sleep on!

If you really want to feel technologically dated though, observe the very youngest generation and watch a two-year-old turn on the DVD player or swipe an iPad ap.  A News.com articles dubs them “Generation Touch,” as they “have no comprehension of a screen that isn’t operated by touch.”

What does the future hold for them—and us—as we watch them from our rocking chairs? Supposedly they:

• Will abandon the desktop computer
• Work and study will be done via smart phones and tablets
• Expect to interact with every surface
• Will drive demand for increasingly body-centric technology based on touch, gestures and voice
• Will make the term “couch potato” obsolete with their mobile lifestyle

Financial advisors tell us that the two biggest “raises” baby-boomer parents  ever get are when we pay (a) off the mortgage, and (b) make the final tuition payment.

So I should have been cheering as I wrote that last check a few days ago, right?  Instead,  I cried.

True, part of me was thrilled to be finally finished paying unspeakable sums of tuition for the youngest of my three children.  But the other part of me felt an ache. With this last payment, a chapter in our lives is closing, and although an incredibly expensive one, it’s been worth every dollar.

Of course, part of this tearful feeling is that not having “one in college” makes me feel older – and I’d rather not admit that, so we won’t discuss!

But why shouldn’t I feel emotional? College had been a major investment of time, money energy – and agita. Selecting which schools to apply to, waiting to hear about acceptance or rejection, planning for the launch, four years of attendance, had spanned almost 15 years between my oldest and youngest.  And, I had been planning – and dreaming – for many years more.

I wanted for my children the college experience I didn’t have.  As the oldest of five, I was expected to pay my own tuition, which at $1200 a year, was actually doable in those days. I commuted from home the first year-and-a-half, and then lived with a friend on the fourth floor of a house, in a bedroom with a hotplate.  For $10 a week it was a bargain, and the landlord let us paint the walls and wood floors turquoise. We took the bus down Fordham Road to the university, worked part-time jobs, and had a good time, especially since we both met our future husbands there.

For my own children, though, I‘d always envisioned the kind of idyllic experience that exists in movies and novels, with a rolling campus, football games, a dorm filled with friends, and craggy, Sean Connery- type professors.  For the most part, that’s what they got: from the shores of Lake Cayuga, to flat plains of South Bend, to the hundreds of steps in Chestnut Hill.

The memories pop like a power-point:

With my first son:  Crying as I waved goodbye, and my second child hugging me and  saying, “You’ve still got me, Mom.” Checking the webcam daily made me feel better as did the occasional “Hello. I’m still alive” email I coerced from him. Visiting campus for ROTC events and meeting my wonderful future daughter-law, and her wonderful family, for the first time at graduation.

With my second son:  Making the 14-hour drive for freshman move-in and seeing the Golden Dome for the first time. Befriending his lacrosse teammates and their families and travelling to campus for dozens of games. Sitting in a thunderous football stadium and chanting, “Go Irish!”

With my youngest, discovering that daughters truly are different: Her screams the day she got accepted to Boston College early decision. Decorating the dorm room with her room-mate so it would be color-coordinated. Getting a running commentary on college life via regular text messages (in contrast with her brothers’ occasional dispatches). Watching her perform in decidedly “edgy” plays.  Taking out large groups of girls to dinner and enjoying the nonstop chatter.

After this May, there will be no more move-ins or commencements, special weekend visits or vicariously enjoyed campus life.  However, my college fantasy did come true for them, more than I could expected. There are so many memories to turn over and over in my mind’s eye, with countless photos that chronicle the journey. So, time to dry the tears and focus on making new memories. I’m pretty sure I’ll get plenty more opportunities to whip out that checkbook.

Dear Answer Mom: My son is 25. He got involved with an older woman and had an affair with her. Now he wants out of it but she won’t leave him alone. He’s living at home with me now since he lost his job and he’s trying to save money. She keeps calling him. Every time he tries to break off with her she’s right back again. How can I get this woman out of my son’s life?—Mom

Dear Mom: Evidently you want to be the only “older woman” in his life since you are trying to control him, her and the whole situation. She may be older but — so is he. Twenty five is no baby. He’s an adult and will have to work out his own problems. Insist that he at least get his own phone to monitor his own calls and then —- Ma-a-a — let go!

Dear Answer Mom: Is there a suggestion you can make that will help my 21-year-old daughter plan better to get important things done? She has her own method but it doesn’t really work. She says she always puts aside the most important thing and the thing she enjoys doing best for the last thing on her list. She thinks that if she keeps that for last it would help her get through the other things that she doesn’t like to do because she could look forward to it sort of “like desert.” She thinks that’s a good method. The trouble is that by the time she gets to that she’s often interrupted and the day is over so she can never really finish it.. Isn’t there a better way? –Joan

Dear Joan: Yes. Tell her days are short — she should eat desert first! She should do the most important and most pleasurable task first when her energy is high and her enthusiasm is working for her. At the end of the day she’ll know that she’s accomplished her top priority and the other tasks can start moving toward the top of the list.

Dear Answer Mom: My grown independent daughter has moved back to my area after finishing college. She takes care of herself and that’s fine with me but an aunt of mine is making me crazy. She keeps insisting that I should tell my daughter exactly what to do in every situation and where to go and who to meet and what to say. I don’t want to alienate her but how can I stop her from bothering me about this? –Lil

Dear Lil: Tell her your daughter is now older than you are so you’re not allowed to give her any advice unless she asks for it. Tell her though if she insists she can talk directly to your daughter. Give her the phone number and repeat it whenever she starts giving you instructions. You can then contact me again when your daughter calls you desperately seeking a way to stop Aunt Busybody.

Problems? Ask the Answer Mom at Mothering 21.com or contact Helen Oxenberg at email: helox72@comcast.net

Stuck on Repeat?

I missed my train the other day so I passed time with a favorite activity: people watching.  One thing I noticed was how many of the commuters—at least the business types–were similarly attired.  Men, of course, have their uniform of dress pants and shirt or suit and tie. The women too—ranging of the 20-somethings to the well-preserved 60-somethings all wore a variation on a theme: a puffer or wool black coat, black boots and a long scarf entwined several times around their necks.  Had someone instituted a dress code?

A fascinating piece in Vanity Fair “You Say You Want a Devolution” examines why “popular style has been stuck on repeat.”  Kurt Andersen writes:

Why is this happening? In some large measure, I think, it’s an unconscious collective reaction to all the profound nonstop newness we’re experiencing on the tech and geopolitical and economic fronts. People have a limited capacity to embrace flux and strangeness and dissatisfaction, and right now we’re maxed out. So as the Web and artificially intelligent smartphones and the rise of China and 9/11 and the winners-take-all American economy and the Great Recession disrupt and transform our lives and hopes and dreams, we are clinging as never before to the familiar in matters of style and culture.

A worthwhile read.

“Everything Old Is New Again”

That Peter Allen song resonates with surprising frequency in the digital 21st century. Most recently because of a Forbes magazine article, “Why Millennial Women Are Burning Out At Work By 30.”

About a decade ago, I wrote a book, with co-author Loretta Kaufman, about mid-30-something moms who left demanding careers to stay at home.  We kept in touch with the women interviewed for “And What Do You Do?” and found that besides raising children they were volunteering, going back to school and considering new careers. So we wrote “Going Back to Work” which looked at how 40-something women fashioned balanced home-work lifestyles.

So it’s not surprising a decade later that everything old is new again and that fast-track careers are still stressing women. But the big difference in 2011 is that these women are under 30, without children, aging parents or households to run! In one way it’s not surprising that they are frazzled: Many have been working at warp speed since middle school developing a “passion” to put on a college application, excelling in college, doing a half-dozen internships and then (until the recession hit) jumping into demanding careers.

In the Forbes article on the under-30 burnout, reporter Larissa Faw notes several possible explanations: exhaustion from fast tracking, lack of career planning beyond their first job, and most interesting, unrealistic expectations about full-time employment. Yes, that first job can be a harsh reality check, even for young adults who excelled at internships. Faw quotes Kelly Cutrone, owner of well-known PR firm and author of “If You Have to Cry, Go Outside” about the often difficult transition:

“College is nothing more than a baby-sitting service. These students are totally unprepared for the real world…No one will say thank you. You will eat lunch at 5 p.m. It sucks and it’s hard work.”

With more than 250,000 views, the column struck a chord with many readers. In a follow-up post,  Faw wrote about readers’ reactions to the causes of the alleged burnout:

Some attribute it to the high expectations placed on them by their parents, unrealistic expectations brought on by an entitled generation, and general culture shifts. Others have less sympathy, describing these women as whiners.

So parents are blamed, again, for raising spoiled, narcissistic young adults. Despite the complaints though, it’s unlikely that any of them are quitting. So what do we tell our daughters—and sons too—who after snaring those long-sought jobs are overwhelmed by the reality of work. Perhaps suggest that they find some balance; find time to follow those well-honed passions, even if they’re not at work. Join a theater group, train for a triathlon, volunteer with a social agency, plan (and save) for a trip to an offbeat location, go back to school at night to pursue a hobby or get a new career credential, write a novel or a dozen other myriad ideas. A job doesn’t have to define them 24/7. And pace themselves: It’s marathon, not a sprint.

Good Night iPad

One of the many wonderful aspects of being a grandparent is that you get to read all those great children’s classics again. One of my personal favorites is “Goodnight Moon. ”

Considering how technology has taken over our lives, it’s amazing that we even have hardcover books left. We’ve all witnessed the toddlers tapping away on mom’s iPhone, and the iPad is at the top of some children’s holiday lists. Maybe it’s time to turn off these “electronic babysitters.” So suggest the authors of a new book, ‘Goodnight iPad.” Enjoy the promo video.

Boomerang Living

Boomerang kids have been well documented: unemployed or underemployed college grads who move back to the family home. The Wall Street Journal notes that this trend has expanded to “adults of all ages” with older children facing mid-life-financial crises, who return to the nest often with their own children. Also heading to adult children’s home are elderly parents whose savings have been decimated by the recession and health care costs. More 50 million Americans lived in multigenerational homes in 2009, up 11 percent since 2007, according to Census Bureau data.

In “When the Budget Calls for a Move Back Home” reporter Rachel Louise Ensign writes that coping with a crowded household “takes frank discussions about money, household rules and expectations.” Her piece list suggestions culled from experts:

For college grads:
• Set a timeline for moving out
• Expect employed young adults to help with expenses
• Put both in writing

For adult children who move back with their own families
• Determine how much financial assistance parents will provide beyond housing—and whether it’s going to be a loan or a gift.
• Establish a time frame with the goal of getting the younger family back on its feet.
• Ask for help groceries or monthly expenses if the adult child or spouse is employed, and ensure that they have an aggressive savings plan in place.
• Agree about household rules the kids need to follow, how much disciplining the grandparents will do and how much baby sitting they are willing to take on.

Parenting the parents:
• Take stock of his or her assets (savings and investments), income coming in (salary, pension, Social Security) and any major expenses (health care).
• Calculate how much a parent can contribute to household expenses and how much you and any siblings will need to dole out.

Or you can just move and not leave a forwarding address.  The illustration that accompanied with the story sums it up:

Tim Foley, The Wall Street Journal

Earlier this month in “A Teachable Moment,” we referenced “Lost in Transition: The Dark Side of Emerging Adulthood,” a new book that examines the “chaotic terrain” traveled by young people during their school and early career years.

We decided to take a closer look the book and found a blunt, bleak assessment of the difficulties faced by adult children. Christian Smith, a University of Notre Dame sociologist, enumerates five major problems: confused moral reasoning, routine intoxication, materialistic life goals, regrettable sexual experiences, and disengagement from civic and political life.

The book devotes a chapter to each of these problems; the most troubling is “Morality Adrift.” Many of the young people interviewed seem to have no moral compass for making decisions. About 60 percent of the interviewees said that, “Moral rights and wrongs are essentially matters of individual opinion.” These young adults will not pass judgment either on other people’s moral decisions as “They are entitled to their own personal opinions.”

Other chapters were succinctly summarized by a review in The Economist:

And so to consumerism. Shopping is personally fulfilling; buying things supports the economy (true enough); if you can afford it, you deserve it. Might it be just a tiny bit gross to own ten cars while others in your city are working double shifts to buy shoes for their children? Apparently not. The good life consists of having a decent job, a decent standard of living and a nice family, not of fighting for justice or saving whales.

As for the prevalence of drink and sex, peer pressure, advertising and the media play their part, but so too does sheer boredom. Many of the young women, in particular, look back with some regret on very early sexual experiences, and on later ones with virtual strangers. And as for politics, what emerges is a strong feeling of disempowerment and distrust. Relatively few young people think they know or can do much about what is going on, and most of those who do follow current events and vote seem to take things no further.

Smith’s conclusions are based on a 10-year-long study that surveyed a broad national cross-section of 3,000 teens, followed by 230 in-depth interviews. Starting in 2002, Smith, assisted by graduate students, interviewed teens, aged 13 to 17, for a first book, “Souls in Transition.” The findings in this new book are based on follow-up interviews with the same group, now aged 18 to 23.

The problems detailed, Smith says, are not of the young adults’ own making. Rather they reflect the American culture they grew up in, shaped by consumerism, educational failures, hyper-individualism, moral relativism, and drug and alcohol abuse. A common misconception, especially by aging parents, Smith writes, is that their children are enjoying “the best years of their lives.” He writes:

“The actual reality for many, however, is instead one of personal struggle, confusion, anxiety, hurt, frustration and grief. Some emerging adults sail through these years unscathed. But many suffer wounds in body and soul, in their relationships, and in their chances for leading good lives.”

Young adults have many challenges ahead of them that require informed, morally-based decisions. Yet they live in a world digitally connected 24/7 to other emerging adults, a situation Smith likens to “putting a bunch of novice tennis players together on the court and expecting them to emerge later with advanced skills and experience.”

To help them along their path, emerging adults need “older and wiser” role models such as relatives, neighbors, family friends, mentors at work and school. Parents, too, need to be aware of the ongoing roles they play in their adult children’s lives. Smith writes:

“Individual families and parents can make a huge difference in intentionally choosing to live certain ways, teaching their children that there isn’t a quick and easy fix…One thing we’ve learned from our study is that parents are a hugely important factor. So there’s a real opportunity for parents and families to engage these issues, to think about them seriously and to be intentional about how they want to live them rather than just going along with the larger flow.”

Too Many Choices?

Perhaps one reason so many young adults—and their parents—get fixated on finding the “perfect” job is that seemingly there are so many possibilities. To settle for anything less than the dream seems like failure.

That “paradox of choice” was discussed on an NPR program by Barry Schwartz, a psychologist at Swarthmore College, who has studied the topic. He said:

“When we live in a world of essentially limitless options our expectations about how good the option we end up with go through the ceiling. So you get something that’s great, but it’s not perfect, so you feel like you’ve failed.”

Of course the recession has tempered those expectations, many instilled by parents urging children to seek their passion. Schwartz’s advice to his students: be happy with good enough.

“If they can go through their lives looking for and appreciating what’s good in their friendships, in their romantic relationships and in their work — even if their work is more modest than it would have been 10 years ago — they can live an incredibly satisfying life that way. “

Warring Generations

Apparently  generations clash in the workplace as well as on the home front, according to a survey of HR professionals.

Almost half of younger workers complain that Baby Boomer managers are resistant to change and micromanage them. About a third of the Baby Boomers countered about the millennial workers informality, need for supervision, and lack of respect for authority.

Technology, not surprisingly, was a hot issue, with a third of the younger set complaining that the older folks had an “aversion to technology.” (You want me to tweet?) And those same older folks apparently just don’t understand the need of the under-30 workers to stay constantly connected.

As a 23-year old Chicago resident told the Fiscal Times:

“I’ve had issue where older managers do not like when younger people have cell phones on their desks because they don’t understand the sense of urgency younger people have with staying connected.”